What’s it like when your birth plan doesn’t match the reality? That’s just one of the big topics on this episode as Jane Dashevsky sits down with Ashlee Martinez, a mom to a three-year-old with one on the way, owner of the mysun&soul boutique (mysunandsoul.com) and organizer of Mom Meets across San Diego (@mysunandsoul).
From unexpected birth experiences to postpartum anxiety, building mom communities, and focusing your baby registry on what actually matters—their conversation covers the authentic, unfiltered side of early motherhood that doesn't always make its way to social media.
Note: Information in this episode is based on personal experiences and is provided for educational and entertainment purposes only. Information in the podcast does not constitute professional advice. We encourage you to independently evaluate any content and consult with appropriate professionals as needed for your specific circumstances.
Getting Started with Baby Podcast
A few key quotes
On birth expectations vs. reality:
“I had such an easy pregnancy with my son, and I expected the whole ideal holistic birth—birthing in the tub, aromatherapy, really peaceful…Once I got into that birthing room, it all went out of my head. I had like three brain cells working together to figure out what was happening…You really have to give in to your body and let it do what it's supposed to do. But the biggest thing I learned is that having expectations, writing the perfect birth plan, most likely things aren't going to go that way.”— Ashlee
On the importance of mom communities:
"I never realized how vital it is to have people to relate to. When you hang out with [other] moms, you're like, oh my God, we've all gone through such similar things." — Ashlee
On postpartum body image:
“I remember I would talk a lot of negative things about [my body] in front of my husband, and one day he had just had enough. He was like, ‘Look, I've been patient with you because I know you're freshly postpartum, but I'm going to tell you something. You have to stop talking about your body that way, because that was our son's first home.’” — Ashlee on her husband’s body image reframing
The Takeaways
- Birth plans are guidelines, not guarantees: Even with extensive preparation, births often don't go according to plan. In Ashlee's 50+ hour labor, flexibility and intuition ended up mattering more than perfect preparation.
- Postpartum anxiety is real and under-discussed: While postpartum depression has gotten more attention lately, postpartum anxiety often goes unrecognized. Ashlee shared her experience of postpartum anxiety including isolating herself and being afraid to let anyone else hold her baby. Postpartum anxiety is more common than many realize, impacting an estimated 15% to 20%of new parents. Symptoms—like excessive worry about the baby’s safety, racing thoughts, or a reluctance to let others care for the child—can easily be mistaken for “normal” new parent concerns meaning postpartum anxiety can often go underdiagnosed. You can find more details on symptoms, treatment options and support at Postpartum Support International. Additionally, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-TLC-MAMA) offers 24/7 support from trained counselors who can guide you to local resources or simply listen when you're feeling overwhelmed. And, of course if you suspect you’re experiencing signs of postpartum anxiety or depression, you can reach out to your doctor for evaluation and support.
- Building your mom village is crucial: Finding other moms going through similar experiences helps you feel less alone and more normal. Ashlee organized her own monthly Mom Meets across San Diego to create safe spaces for authentic conversations about the struggles of motherhood. To join one of her upcoming Mom Meets follow Ashlee on Instagram.
- Focus your registry on YOU: Instead of filling your registry with cute baby items you might not use, prioritize products that will help you through birth and postpartum recovery. Babies get plenty of gifts—you need support too.
- Embrace your postpartum body: Your stretch marks and physical changes are evidence of creating your baby's first home. Learning to celebrate rather than criticize these changes is part of postpartum healing.
Ashlee's Baby Gear Picks
Credit: Amazon
Frida Mom Instant Ice Maxi Pads (number one postpartum essential)
Ashlee's number one postpartum essential for dealing with pelvic bone aching and general postpartum discomfort. She keeps her pantry "stuffed to the brim" with these for her upcoming birth.
* Please check the retailer for latest price.
Credit: Amazon
Credit: Amazon
Frida Baby Windi Gas Relievers (baby gas relieve lifesaver)
Game-changer for babies with gas pain. Ashlee's son had oral ties that caused painful gas, and the Windi provided instant relief when traditional methods didn't work.
* Please check the retailer for latest price.
The Full Conversation
[edited from audio transcript for clarity]
Jane: What's it like when your birth plan doesn't match the reality? You'll spend so much time thinking about pregnancy and baby, and then you could be hit with a delivery or postpartum experience you might not have prepared for. That's what we're talking about today with Ashlee Martinez. Ashlee is a mom to a three-year-old with one on the way and the owner of the mysun&soul boutique. She's also the organizer of Mom Meets for moms in the San Diego area.
Today we'll get into everything from birth plans to surprises postpartum to why leaning on other moms is so, so crucial. Plus, Ashlee will tell us about her journey from first-time mom to entrepreneur working to connect and support all the moms out there.
Welcome, Ashlee.
Ashlee: Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited about this. I love what you're doing.
Jane: We're super excited to have you as well. So, to get started, could you share a little bit about yourself and your family?
Ashlee: My name is Ashlee and I'm located here in San Diego. I have a three-year-old son, and I'm currently pregnant with my first daughter.
Jane: Congratulations! That's so exciting!
Tell me a little bit about mysun&soul What is mysun&soul?
Ashlee: Mysun&soul is a business that I started when my son was about one and a half to two. I wanted to create something that was more than just a business. It started as mom tees that I would sell at the La Jolla Farmers Market with funny sayings like "Mama Needs a Venti." It was meant to bring smiles to moms' faces.
I wanted to have a store where moms could come treat themselves, because one of the things with postpartum that I learned is you sometimes don't feel like your body is your own. It can feel very foreign trying to put new clothes on, having to substitute something looking good for feeling comfortable, especially if you're breastfeeding. So, I wanted everything to be tailored to moms' growing bodies—whether you're pregnant, postpartum, or breastfeeding. Everything has to be comfortable but also cute.
But outside of that, instead of it just being a place for moms to shop, I wanted to have something totally separate—my Mom Meets that I do every month. I do about two to three per month, and I invite local moms from San Diego and surrounding areas. We pick a place, usually a local small business, and we spend quality time together. I don't sell anything or talk shop there. It's literally just us moms getting together to talk about birth, postpartum, mom struggles—a lot of the things that don't get talked about, especially on social media. It's a genuine place where we can all feel comfortable and safe enough to say, "Hey, I went through this, my birth was traumatic," or "Are you guys experiencing this? Am I alone?"
Jane: That's amazing. A lot of what you said resonates with me as well. What about that experience in the beginning made you motivated to start with those tees and take it to the mom groups?
Ashlee: I had a very traumatic experience having my son. It was my first baby, and you go in thinking you have no expectations, but of course you do. I went into it thinking it would be a normal birth. When it happened, it actually took me two full days of labor to get him out.
I was at a birth center because I wanted to do the whole natural, holistic route with midwives, and it was honestly a beautiful experience. But he was stuck. After 50-something hours, I was like, "We're going to the hospital." I got transferred to the hospital, and it was like a comedy movie—everything that could go wrong went wrong. We drove ourselves and went the wrong direction to the hospital. He's literally coming out, and we go down the wrong street with all these potholes, have to turn around, go backdown the pothole street, get back on the freeway. Just insanity.
After we stopped counting at 55 hours, they had to do the vacuum suction to get him out. The whole postpartum experience was really hard on me because I think I went into it only looking for postpartum depression signs, and I kept telling myself, "I didn't get it, we're good." A couple years go by and I look back and I'm like, "Wow, I had really bad postpartum anxiety," and that was something that I was never talked to about. I didn't know that was a thing.
Because of the birth, I didn't want anybody to hold my son or breathe on my son—nothing—because I was so afraid that something was going to happen to him. Looking back, I feel so bad for that version of me because I had my family, my husband, my son, but I never realized how much I isolated myself just to live in that little safety bubble. I didn't ask for help. I didn't make friends. I literally just stayed in our room and watched my son breathe.
When I was watching him grow up, I was like, "I bet there are so many other moms that have gone through the same thing," and I wish that at that time, I would have been more open to making mom friends, because I never knew how vital it is to have people to relate to.
My very first Mom Meet, I had four moms show up and I had no clue what I was doing. I just was like, "Let's just do it." We all talked about births—tears were shed. The moms were so honest with me about the things they went through. I remember one that really sat with me was one of the moms saying, "I feel guilty because I feel like I kind of missed that beginning of her life, even though I was there and taking care of her. But I was just in survival mode."
It's such a natural thing to feel those things. It's such a real thing to be in survival mode in the beginning with your first and feel like you miss so much, even though you're right there, because you're trying to just make it through the days—sleepless, worried, anxious. Then you look back and you're like, "I wish I knew then what I know now."
Jane: You touched on so many incredibly important topics. I'd love to circle back—you talked about having certain expectations going into the birth. Talk to me about how you reconciled the expectations versus reality, and how building this mom group is giving you a chance to help other moms through that.
Ashlee: When I was pregnant, I tried to educate myself as much as I could because it's an experience you don't know what to expect until it happens. I had such an easy pregnancy with my son, and I expected the whole ideal holistic birth—birthing in the tub, aromatherapy, really peaceful. I was just going to breathe him out. I did the hypnobirthing classes, packed the most beautiful bag with all the best snacks, all the things. I was like, "I've got this in the bag."
Once I got into that birthing room, it all went out of my head. I had like three brain cells working together to figure out what was happening. It was something I really learned—it's all intuitive. You really have to give in to your body and let it do what it's supposed to do. But the biggest thing I learned is that having expectations, writing the perfect birth plan, things most likely aren't going to go that way. With my son, it was because he had his hand up by his face, so he would start crowning and then go all the way back.
After the birth, I was like, "Oh my goodness, that was so intense. That was nothing like I expected." It was literally two days of just torture—constant pain and fear because it was taking so long that I was afraid something bad was going to happen, and it was going to be my fault.
I think that also made me feel more lonely because I had never really heard a birth experience like mine. What I really love with the mom group is when I started it, I was very open and honest about my birth. I told my birth story expecting nobody to be able to relate. But then moms were jumping in like, "Oh girl, let me tell you…I didn't make it to 50 hours, but I went 24 and this happened. I had to have an emergency C-section," and another mom would jump in, "Oh me too, girl."
There's a lot of times you'll feel very alone, not just in motherhood, but in the world, and it can make you feel really small, wondering, "Is this only just me?" Then you hang out with these moms and you're like, "Oh my God, we've all gone through such similar things."
Jane: Now that you have the perspective of that first birth experience and this broader group of moms, how are you thinking about your upcoming birth?
Ashlee: Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm going to do it the exact same way. I'm going to a birth center in La Jolla. I thought that after the last birth I would feel fear, but at least I know kind of what I can expect. Now I can actually be in that mindset of, "Okay, what are the coping skills that I learned last time that I didn't use? And what are some that I've learned from moms this time around in the groups?"
Jane: What are some of those tips, especially for that labor and delivery process?
Ashlee: I actually asked moms on Instagram last night for tips and advice for moms giving birth this year. There were a couple that were like, "Really advocate for yourself," which is so important. A lot of the reason we chose birth centers is because a lot of times you go to hospitals and you feel vulnerable because you're in this space of fear. You're literally at your most vulnerable. When you're in that scared moment, you're like, "I'll do whatever you want me to do," and you'll completely put your beliefs, your birth plan, all the things to the side because you're going to trust this person to help you get out of this scary place.
It’s really important that moms advocate for themselves and have a partner or a doula to be there, so if you can't do it for yourself, somebody can do it for you.
Jane: Perspective is so key. What do you know now about postpartum care that you wish you had known that first time?
Ashlee: Definitely the nitty-gritty of it all. My midwives were pretty good about educating me on things, but there were some things I had to learn myself by Googling, which can be very scary when you're postpartum. Even things like lochia—I never knew that was a thing. People will just tell you "you'll bleed after birth" and that's it. They don't tell you the actual details.(Lochia is discharge you experience after giving birth).
When I was experiencing that, I didn't even talk to my husband about things because I felt embarrassed. I was like, "I don't know what's happening." I was so scared to even Google stuff that was happening because I felt like it must only be happening to me. Then I Googled and I was like, "Oh my God, this is supposed to happen."
Really taking care of not just your body, but doing the self-care and mental care. Even down to the Loving Your Stripes project I’m working on about loving your stretch marks. Before I was a mom, my body would fluctuate a lot with weight. I've had stretch marks for as long as I can remember, but I chose in my motherhood to really celebrate those things because I earned even more stripes having my son. I gained almost 70 pounds. It was a body I was not used to. I would look at myself in the mirror and be like, "I don't know who you are."
I remember I would talk a lot of negative things about it in front of my husband, and one day he had just had enough. He was like, "Look, I've been patient with you because I know you're freshly postpartum, but I'm going to tell you something. You have to stop talking about your body that way, because that was our son's first home."
That hit me hard because I was like, "Wow, I did not think about it like that." I was just so stuck on "none of my clothes fit, I can't find anything that looks good on me anymore." When he said that, it stuck with me forever because I was like, "I was my son's first home.”
Jane: That's an amazing way to look at it.
Jane: At the Starter Set, one of the things we’re focused on is helping parents sort through the products and services they’ll really need. In the spirit of that, I'd love to ask if there was something that was a game-changer for you in terms of your postpartum experience.
Ashlee: Something I've been talking about with a lot of moms, especially first-time moms, is when you're creating that baby registry. I know it's so much fun and exciting to see all the cute baby things, and you go a little bit crazy and you're like, "I need all these things for baby," which is what I did. I got most of the things off the registry as gifts, and then after birth and postpartum, I realized majority of it we didn't use.
This time around, instead of adding all the cute onesies and little toys, I'm making this registry primarily for me because I'm the one giving birth. I'm the one that's going to have to do the postpartum care afterwards. She will get so many clothes gifted to her. I really tailored my registry for me, and I've been telling moms this is my number one tip: when you're making your registry, you have to focus on you—things that you're really going to use.
For me, a lot of that was the Frida brand ice pads. Those were probably the biggest lifesaver because I had a lot of pelvic bone aching, and those were a godsend. I have my pantry stuffed right now with them.
Jane: Oh man, I second that. I wish I would have known those existed the first time.
Ashlee: When the nurses gave me the ice pads at the hospital the first time around, I literally just sat there and I was like, "Oh my God, what are these? I need these in my life more." They really carried me through those first few weeks. I always keep those stocked to the brim right now.
Also, little things for baby that we could not live without were the Frida snot sucker and the Windi gas relievers. The Windi saved our lives with our son because he had five oral ties. We didn't know it at first. He was a really good nurser but his latch was shallow, so he would take in air and get really painful gas.
I can't remember who got the Windi for us, but I felt weird using them because I was like, "I don't want to hurt him." It's just a very little tube that you put in their bottom just a tiny bit. I never would have thought about having these things because they always say do the bike legs and give gas drops. But none of those things were working for us.
Finally, one day, after hearing him scream in pain for so long, I was like, "I'm just gonna do it." We did the Windi—instant relief for him. You could just see it wash over his little body. I was like, "We are getting these every single time we have babies." That was our number one thing, plus the snot sucker.
Jane: Do you give those as gifts now?
Ashlee: I do actually. I'll get a couple things off of moms' registries that are actually on there, and then I'll throw in those two things. I'm like, "Here's the snot sucker and here's the Windi. I know they sound weird, but if you have any questions, just call me." And they will because they're like, "I've never heard of these things before."
Jane: What about anything that in retrospect you're like, "Why did I get this?" or didn't really end up using very much?
Ashlee: I remember my registry was pages because I was so excited and I just wanted everything that was baby-related. I put a lot of clothes, books, teething toys, that expensive giraffe that everybody gets—Sophie the Giraffe on there. I had all the pricier stuff because I was like, "Oh, this is really nice."
A year, year and a half into having my son, I'm cleaning out his room and so much of this stuff is still in the box. Majority of the clothes had tags on them still because I was picking everything newborn, and he came out ready to wear 0-3 months. He did not like Sophie the Giraffe—couldn't care less about her. I had tons of pacifiers on there—he hated pacifiers. Tons of bottles—hated bottles.
This time around, I skipped all of those things because while it does feel good to have all those things if you need them, a lot of times you're not going to need them and you can overwhelm yourself too. I feel simpler is better.
I even put things this time around like my favorite lip balms to keep where we keep the bassinet, because you don't think about that. I never put anything like that on my last list. I had baby lotions, baby soaps, and then I constantly found myself having to go to the store to get stuff for me, and that's not fun when you're freshly postpartum.
It feels good to take care of yourself, and you don't really get to do that a lot when you're a mom. You're constantly thinking kids, kids, kids. What do the kids need? Doctor's appointments. What does the spouse and house need? You forget about yourself a lot, which kind of comes back to mysun&soul. What inspired me to do all of this was that we deserve to have that.
Jane: What else is next for mysun&soul? And what do you want listeners to take away?
Ashlee: I'm actually going to be taking a little break for a while because I'm due in August. When I come back—I'm not sure when it will be because I know I'm a busy body and I can't help myself—I am going to jump right back into the Mom Meets and see where I can take it. I'm looking at collaborating with some brands and yoga instructors and having fun with it.
Jane: It sounds like there are a lot of things on deck and big changes personally and for mysun&soul as well. Thank you so much for joining us today. It's been such an interesting conversation and we covered so much important ground.
To keep up with what Ashlee's doing with mysun&soul, or to look out for that next Mom Meet, you can follow Ashlee on Instagram at @mysunandsoul or head to the website mysunandsoul.com.
Thanks so much for listening. Until next time.
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